Ever since they were newborns, I’ve heard well-meaning people tell my children not to cry. When I left to go to the bathroom and my one-week old starts bawling, they pick him up and start shushing him. My two-year old is upset because her cousin has grabbed her toy and they immediately tell her not to cry.

I get it. No one likes to see their child upset. It’s in our biology to want to soothe a crying child.

But who are we really comforting when we tell a child not to cry?

When we tell a child not to cry, the person we’re soothing is ourselves.

What does the child hear when you tell them not to cry?

When you say “Don’t cry”, you’re telling them that you’re uncomfortable with their feelings and they’re something that should be kept inside. The message they receive is that their feelings are not okay.

Crying, along with laughing, is a way for our body to process and release feelings. It is only after doing this that we feel better.

If we don’t give a child the opportunity to express these feelings, these feelings are bottled up inside and can come out in pinching, hitting, and other aggressive behavior.

So, the next time you see your child crying, tell yourself, “It’s okay to cry.” Then reassure your child by saying phrases like,

I’m right here.

or

You are safe.

Distracting them or trying to solve their problems isn’t helpful either. Distracting them is another way of encouraging them to repress their emotions.

When a child is upset, their logical brain isn’t working so they won’t be open to having their problem solved. Before you can reason with a child, you have to validate the emotion.

This week when your child is crying, if necessary, acknowledge to yourself that you feel uncomfortable seeing your child cry. Then, comfort your child through your actions (picking them up, sitting beside them, hugging them, etc.).

Interested in learning more practical tips for a better connection with your child? Listen to my podcast! Sign up here to be notified when it launches in November 2019.