A mom honestly shared with me how, after getting into an argument with her partner, she found herself shouting at her children, because she couldn’t shout at her partner.

 

I understand. Sadly, it’s so much easier to let out our frustrations on our children, than on what’s really bothering us. We might be feeling overwhelmed because of all the house chores that need to be done, or frustrated at work, or angry at our partner… The accumulation of all this can result in us yelling at our children.

 

Luckily, there’s a way we can manage conflicts with our partners so that our children don’t get the brunt of the storm.

 

John Gottman, marriage expert, calls it soft startups. It’s also very similar to the concept of Non Violent Communication (NVC).

 

There are three things to keep in mind during the soft startup: talk about your feelings, use descriptive language and ask for what you want clearly.

Talk about your feelings.

This means that you start with “I” instead of “you”. Talk about your feelings and needs. By avoiding “you” statements, your partner won’t feel as if you’re attacking them and need to be on the defense. There’s nothing wrong with the way that you feel, and they shouldn’t deny your feelings.

 

Before we move on, I just want to say that while you’re talking about your feelings and needs, that doesn’t mean that you’re asking your partner to be responsible for them. You are always responsible for how you feel and having your needs met. During this conversation, you are simply expressing them, then asking for help.

Use descriptive language.

Descriptive language is simply observing what we see (or any of the five senses). We are describing what a camera would record, and what everyone else in the room can agree with. When you describe instead of evaluate, you avoid blaming your partner.

 

For example, instead of saying, “You never wash the dishes,” you say, “I feel stressed when I see the sink full of dirty dishes.”

Ask for what you want clearly.

Do not expect your partner to read your mind. Focus on what you need to be done and be polite when asking.

 

Going on the dishes example, you can add the previous statement with, “Could you please wash them after dinner?”

 

Be ready for your partner to express their own feelings and needs. Maybe after dinner, they’d rather rest than immediately wash the dishes.

 

This is when you take responsibility for your own needs. If it’s that important to you to have the dishes washed right after the meal, then you might have to do it yourself, and continue the conversation with your partner to find a way to balance out the rest of the chores. Or maybe understanding your partner’s needs will make it easier for you to let your need for immediately washed dishes go, knowing that the dishes will be done eventually.

 

This week, think about a conflict you have with your partner. During a time when you’re both calm, and ideally when there are no kids around to distract you from the conversation, bring up the conflict using the skills learned here.

 

During private coaching sessions, I help you practice these skills so that you’re ready for any possible conflict with your partner and children. In the beginning, it can be hard to focus on your own feelings and use descriptive language, but applying these tools are the cornerstone to having a positive and loving family relationship. Contact me for more information.